The Beauty of Holiness

One of the many Antiphons in the Book of Common Prayer (BCP, 81) encourages us to "Worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness: Come let us adore him" (c.f Psalm 96: 9.) This Antiphon struck a deep chord inside my heartstrings. I was moved, inspired. Something inside me was awakened, a dormant desire long neglected by the vicissitudes of life. Reality had once struck and defeated this youngish ideal, that is until I read and prayed this Psalm.

When I first read this Antiphon the change it elicited in me came almost inadvertently. What an interesting phrase! I thought, almost imperceptibly. The words beauty and holiness stuck out and penetrated my being, creating anxious and joyous swirls in my chest, an excitement I usually feel at the discovery of a seemingly new and fascinating idea.

These words stuck with me and they did the slow work powerful words do. They remained in the backburner, simmering slowly a once dormant desire and ideal. What I once received as a calling I neglected as borderline foolishness. I thought that if my walk with Christ over the years has taught me anything, it is that holiness is an overly-idealized goal, an impossibly high reach, nurtured by the naivete of earlier generations. The life of the Saints continued to inspire me, but these Saint's imperfections stuck out as immense betrayals of the ideal. Moreover, I saw that the Christians who were usually enamored with the ideal of holiness were usually the ones engaged in self-righteous and oppressive behaviors. In other words, I became disillusioned with the pursuit of holiness.

Is holiness even possible now? Has our idea of holiness changed so much that it is almost unrecognizable from the ideal held by the Church in previous ages? Is holiness, ultimately, a force for good for myself and the world? Is there more to holiness than social activism, the holding of orthodox progressive policies, and the pursuit of wokeness? What is holiness?

As I started reflecting on these questions, I started entertaining the idea that not only is holiness a possibility for me and for others, but also that holiness is a necessity. Holiness is an essential calling that I should accept if I am to be a follower of Jesus.

Reflecting on the aforementioned Antiphone helped me realize that holiness does not need to be ugly. Holiness is beautiful. If it is not beautiful and if its pursuit is engaged with judgementalism, oppression, and close-mindedness, then it is not holiness, but a heinous counterfeit of it.

Yes, I entertained the idea of pursuing holiness. I must confess that I am a little nervous about what I'm doing here. I'm a little concerned of what some of my progressive peers in the Episcopal Church would think of this. Would they think I have gone to the deep end of fantasy? Would they look at me with the wonder of what I have become? Would they look at my Catholic tendencies and ideals and roll their eyes? Would they think I've gone conservative, along with all the negative epithets associated with this? Maybe, but probably not. Most likely, I'm not giving them the credit that they deserve!

And so the desire continues. I feel the relentless call. I feel whispering shouts inside of me that fill me with joy, hope, and excitement. The desire is blossoming with full force, and at times it feels that I want to do nothing else with my life than pursue holiness. And then, I look at myself and tremble at the long journey ahead. My life is an undisciplined mess of desires and addictions, of ambitions and unfulfilled promises, and of exciting projects that are mostly left undone. It seems I have no good material to work on.

Who am I to pronounce a call to holiness? Indeed, I must admit I am not the right person for the job. And perhaps that is God's preferred way of working. Perhaps God is calling me to pursue and proclaim holiness because God wants to make God's work manifested in me. Perhaps this is a reminder that the pursuit of holiness is a grace-filled enterprise.

I don't know. But I can't no longer ignore that God is calling me to it.