Why We Should Stop (Mostly!) Complaining
I have been reading, over the past few months, a biography on St. John Mary Vianney, better known as the Curé of Ars. As I’m traversing the difficult and long ordination track to the priesthood in the Episcopal Church, I thought it was appropriate to learn from what is perhaps the most famous parish priest in the Church.
In this biography, I read a few comments here and there of how this saint didn’t usually complain of the many hardships he endured. He did this even though his life was filled with controversial and exaggerated ascetical practices, like strenuous fasts, all night prayer vigils, a poor diet that usually consisted of a couple of potatoes a day, and long hours spent in a confession booth.
As I was reading the Curé of Ars’ life story, I examined my inclination towards complaining. I realized that while I am not the worst offender, I have a generous record of complaining. My complaining takes place in a life I would qualify as comfortable, with many of the luxuries the“developed” world has to offer.
I also read many exhortations in the Christian classic The Imitation of Christ by Thomas á Kempis to not complain:
When Christ was in the world, He was despised by men; in the hour of need He was forsaken by acquaintances and left by friends to the depths of scorn. He was willing to suffer and to be despised; do you dare to complain of anything? He had enemies and defamers; do you want everyone to be your friend, your benefactor? How can your patience be rewarded if no adversity test it? How can you be a friend of Christ if you are not willing to suffer any hardship? Suffer with Christ and for Christ if you wish to reign with Him. - The Imitation of Christ, Book II, Chapter I.
And in another passage:
In this biography, I read a few comments here and there of how this saint didn’t usually complain of the many hardships he endured. He did this even though his life was filled with controversial and exaggerated ascetical practices, like strenuous fasts, all night prayer vigils, a poor diet that usually consisted of a couple of potatoes a day, and long hours spent in a confession booth.
As I was reading the Curé of Ars’ life story, I examined my inclination towards complaining. I realized that while I am not the worst offender, I have a generous record of complaining. My complaining takes place in a life I would qualify as comfortable, with many of the luxuries the“developed” world has to offer.
I also read many exhortations in the Christian classic The Imitation of Christ by Thomas á Kempis to not complain:
When Christ was in the world, He was despised by men; in the hour of need He was forsaken by acquaintances and left by friends to the depths of scorn. He was willing to suffer and to be despised; do you dare to complain of anything? He had enemies and defamers; do you want everyone to be your friend, your benefactor? How can your patience be rewarded if no adversity test it? How can you be a friend of Christ if you are not willing to suffer any hardship? Suffer with Christ and for Christ if you wish to reign with Him. - The Imitation of Christ, Book II, Chapter I.
And in another passage:
WHAT are you saying, My child? Think of My suffering and that of the saints, and cease complaining. You have not yet resisted to the shedding of blood. What you suffer is very little compared with the great things they suffered who were so strongly tempted, so severely troubled, so tried and tormented in many ways. Well may you remember, therefore, the very painful woes of others, that you may bear your own little ones the more easily. And if they do not seem so small to you, examine if perhaps your impatience is not the cause of their apparent greatness; and whether they are great or small, try to bear them all patiently. The better you dispose yourself to suffer, the more wisely you act and the greater is the reward promised you. Thus you will suffer more easily if your mind and habits are diligently trained to it. - The Imitation of Christ, Book III, Chapter 19.
I knew something needed to change, and I began to dial back on my complaining as a spiritual practice. Through this process, I have seen a few changes in my mood and wellbeing.
What Changed?
I have observed two main changes in me since I began this practice:
I’ve noticed that my mood during tough moments, especially those I cannot change (i.e., stuck in traffic) has improved dramatically. I seem to have more patience in dealing with those situations.
Related to the first change above: when I encountered strenuous situations, and I remind myself not to complain, I am forced to find coping mechanisms other than complaining, like praying for God’s grace to deal with the issue.
Complaining isn’t Always Bad
I am not writing this post to dismiss the role of complaints in our life entirely. There is a difference, I believe, between a productive complaint and pure whining. The difference between these two is radical.
If you “complain,” that is, voice your disagreements or difficulties to seek a solution, then it can be a constructive way to complain. For example: if your partner has the habit of playing loud music early in the morning and this disrupts your morning routine, and if you express your grievances to your partner to find a solution to this issue, then your “complaining” could be productive.
One also thinks of issues where a group of people are being oppressed or unjustly treated. Telling them to “stop complaining” and carry on with their lives would be a great evil since one is neglecting to deal justly with them. The Parable of the Widow and the Unjust Judge on Luke 18: 1-8 offers a great example of a persistent person asking for justice. Some may see the widow’s persistence to the unjust judge as “complaining,” and yet Jesus tells this story as an example of persistent prayer. Had the widow not complained she wouldn’t have received justice.
More significant to the issue of a group of oppressed people, God says in Exodus 3.7: “Then the LORD said, ‘I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters. I know their sufferings” (ESV.) The people’s cry and complaints are what moved God to liberate God’s people.
In conclusion, whenever we find ourselves complaining, I encourage you to reflect on the motivation behind a complaint and to discern with honesty whether the complaining is productive or not. Seek God’s grace to deal with the difficulties you encounter, especially those that are outside of your control. Follow the example of the saints and use burdensome situations to grow in virtue and holiness.
I knew something needed to change, and I began to dial back on my complaining as a spiritual practice. Through this process, I have seen a few changes in my mood and wellbeing.
What Changed?
I have observed two main changes in me since I began this practice:
I’ve noticed that my mood during tough moments, especially those I cannot change (i.e., stuck in traffic) has improved dramatically. I seem to have more patience in dealing with those situations.
Related to the first change above: when I encountered strenuous situations, and I remind myself not to complain, I am forced to find coping mechanisms other than complaining, like praying for God’s grace to deal with the issue.
Complaining isn’t Always Bad
I am not writing this post to dismiss the role of complaints in our life entirely. There is a difference, I believe, between a productive complaint and pure whining. The difference between these two is radical.
If you “complain,” that is, voice your disagreements or difficulties to seek a solution, then it can be a constructive way to complain. For example: if your partner has the habit of playing loud music early in the morning and this disrupts your morning routine, and if you express your grievances to your partner to find a solution to this issue, then your “complaining” could be productive.
One also thinks of issues where a group of people are being oppressed or unjustly treated. Telling them to “stop complaining” and carry on with their lives would be a great evil since one is neglecting to deal justly with them. The Parable of the Widow and the Unjust Judge on Luke 18: 1-8 offers a great example of a persistent person asking for justice. Some may see the widow’s persistence to the unjust judge as “complaining,” and yet Jesus tells this story as an example of persistent prayer. Had the widow not complained she wouldn’t have received justice.
More significant to the issue of a group of oppressed people, God says in Exodus 3.7: “Then the LORD said, ‘I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters. I know their sufferings” (ESV.) The people’s cry and complaints are what moved God to liberate God’s people.
In conclusion, whenever we find ourselves complaining, I encourage you to reflect on the motivation behind a complaint and to discern with honesty whether the complaining is productive or not. Seek God’s grace to deal with the difficulties you encounter, especially those that are outside of your control. Follow the example of the saints and use burdensome situations to grow in virtue and holiness.
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